the anger came back

Some days ago:

Sometimes I catch myself thinking if and buts. What if I didn't go to Norway? Would you then have loved me til today still? Would you have been closer now? Would you have suffered less? Would I have had the part of you I so badly wanted, and then no anxiety would have broken me? 

I let myself think about that today, I played with the thought of me leaving being the problem to you stopping loving me.

But we didn't stand a chance, did we? If it hadn't been that it would have been something else. I would have triggered you another time, maybe when our surroundings turned too much to bear, too painful, and you wouldn't have been by my side and this would have happened, before or after. We got some sweet and very short time before everything got messy, but it would have gotten messy anyway 

Today:

The anger came back. The more I see how easy I am to be loved, to be liked, fully, in my whole splendor, the more angry I am at you to make me feel like there was anything wrong with me. I wonder if that's also what happened to you; but at least I know that I constantly communicated my love, adoration, and like for you. Now telling someone that I really really like them doesn't feel like a risk to make myself suffer; now being nice to people fully, by caring about them, doesn't feel like there's something inherently wrong about me for wanting to do it. My anxiety is seen as something not my fault, and it treated as such. The anger came back, and I do feel it's easier to see you, but also it's difficult to not tell you about it. So much of what I'm feeling is rooted in how you behaved in our relationship, so much that I keep thinking "how the fuck did I stay there for that long?" "How the fuck did you not tell me earlier you didn't want to be with me?" I believed you were confused and I was a nice person showing you love, not someone you wanted to date. Believe me, I understand completely. But I had the fucking balls to own that this was not fair to the other person, and I didn't let it be for years just because I didn't want to face any truths, and just pretended there was no issue. A form of gaslighting, perhaps? You have convinced me countless of times that my anxiety was based on nothing, but we both know that's not true. I hope you're happy, but I also want an apology. Today I have had a conversation with someone that felt anxiety around me and my relationship with them, and I know that, even though the fears were stupid(ly anxious) they weren't based on anything. There is stuff changing and not acknowledging that is just cruel. Stuff changing does not make the fears come true but sparks them; and being offended because they exist on the first place is straight up bullshit. Sometimes I hate the person you made me be, the person you were with me and what we were together. I think the period that was nice was awfully short; but I also think I deserved much much better. It is not difficult to love me and I am not difficult. 

A bit angry still,

Maraya