of conflicts that come too early

Yes, I've fucked up, said some shit I shouldn't have. I didn't take care of your insecurities the way I should have; you're worried people are going to think badly of you, probably worried the same thing will happen to you again, and it won't. I am certain of it.

 It feels like we had a bit of a precarious balance where we were putting cards, like a naipe tower, and that this has thrown everything to the floor. 

Somehow I wish I hadn't been there to have lunch; I wish the first word didn't escape my mouth. But I am also very aware that despite having done something wrong, the amount of guiltyness I feel is over the top. I have not killed anyone, I haven't stabbed someone from behind. I haven't even done this to hurt you, despite it did. It was far less evil than that.

But it seems like you needed something that proved your fear, that I am actually someone you shouldn't even try anything with. It feels like once the first card dropped you went away and took all of yours, because how can you even try with someone like that?

I know I did something wrong, but I also know how wrong it is. You must probably not believe me, or trust me, when I say this, because you don't know me, but I do truly care about not hurting you, and I did truly do it from an innocent perspective. Naive, maybe, to think you wouldn't care, but also, I have been there. And it does get better, I promise you. Mean people will always find an excuse to be mean, but others understand. And those are worth keeping.

In any case, I do feel I'm being treated a bit unfairly. I think I have triggered something really rooted in you, and I feel extremely sorry for that; i do own it. But I believe I deserve a space to navigate this, and to not have projected on me the hurt others, maybe even willingly, put on you. I believe I have been upfront and coming from a place of care, love and willingness to talk; and I have been met with cold interactions, dismissive answers and the invalidation of my need to talk about it. Just thought now that I didn't tell you I needed to talk, and perhaps I should; but the uneasiness still lingers, for I see now that I deserve to be met with at least the same honesty that I have given you. 

A bit confused, and scared on my behalf

Maraya