a bad day

What is this feeling?

Why am I struggling to believe that those who are supposed to love me don't even like me? Why am I feeling it now, and 

So much is happening and I can't quite put a finger in what things I am okay with and which ones I'm not. I still have way more capacity than before, and that's something I'm really prou of. But the notion of having "had it all" mental health wise, and having lost it, is worse than not knowing you don't have it. I feel like I am getting dragged around with little understanding, and that I am lacking so much energy to confront even the basics. So yeah, I don't work that many hours, yeah, nothing wrong is happening, yeah, I do other stuff; but it's already taking so much. And nothing great is happening either, and I am expected to accept this medium okay situation where yes, yes, it should be better, but it is what it is, and suck it up. Or fight for these things no matter how much strength you have. Fight it faking there's nothing else to fight, and don't show it or it'll bother, or it will be the proof that you're nit fit for this, or you will be annoying, make it uncomfortable. No one likes someone crying. No one knows what to do with someone crying. 

But hey, I liked who I was. I liked that despite everything I was still someone nice and approachable. And I know people like that; do I like them though? I am not willing to sacrifice any ounce of myself to fit in.

Maraya