we could have been friends

I was reading in a fantasy book about torture and you came to my mind. I know that when police tortured you, beat you, terrorised you, broke your hearing, you ended up saying what they wanted to hear. I know that in books torture and people who don't break from it are seen as heroes, but it's also a really naive, superficial interpretation of what happens when you get broken piece by piece. They don't asses the shame you feel afterwards regardless of whether you broke or not. The fear that soaked every bone, the ghosts you manage to see in plain daylight, the panic explaining it causes. No, in a book, the main character is tortured almost to death and survives, and never breaks their vows, and they walk away from it without experiencing any of this. They rely on rage and they have the opportunity to, I don't know, blast fire from a dragon's mouth to their torturers. 

But not here. Here you drown under a system that covers your agressors and is your enemy, and you're supposed to keep going with your life by yourself. But you created a network for others to not be alone. 

I know you ended up inventing what they wanted to hear, because you couldn't take anymore the fear, the pain, the desperation. And that the court case started with the same fake story only to end with you announcing you had made up everything just to be free of the cruel claws and dirty fingers of the police. 

I feel like we could have been good friends. I think I would have been able to be there for you, but I struggle to think how to do it now. I think as your equal I would have been a pretty damn solid rock, a shoulder to cry on, and someone you could go seek care if you need it. In a way, that's what you are for me now, although my ghosts are only magnified in my head and there is actually no threat outside. 

I wish I could find a way to acknowledge what happened, and tell you that there is no shame in trying to survive in whatever mean you can, there is no one chasing you, and your friends and loved ones will only feel inmense love and pride for being around you. The fear of someone judging you exists only in your head. 

I love you dad, even if sometimes I struggle to say it. 

Maraya