these impertinent walls

Today it was a bad day, and not because bad things happened. They did, in fact, happen. But it has been a bad day because I saw in myself the ghosts of past battles. I found myself struggling more about not being liked by people I do not like than empowering myself through the things I like about myself, and what my close friends like about me. I still find myself caring more about the opinion ot someone that is not close to me, than the unconditional kindness and love of those i surrlund myself with, and naturally kind people. Because I find them; but their care doesn't soothe my anxiety about those that do not naturally treat me with the same kindness, respect, consideration and thoughtfulness. I didn't like the version of myself that got caught on thinking "why does he not like me as much as whomever", when I know someday she thought "if they think I'm not interesting is on them, because I am the best best-friend someone could have". 

I find myself too cautious that I will not let myself care fully about those I'm surrounding myself with. I see the walls being built around me without me having put any brick. It's like a part of my brain is in charge of a construction I was not given the notice of. I do not like these walls, and I want to break them. But I don't want the arrows that can come when they are broken down, since I lay too bare behind them, and each shot is acting the target. But I do want to be able to built a bridge, accessible and recognisable, for those I know they are good souls. 

There is some people in my office worth saving, no matter what, from the iceness behind these fortress; some people who are still nice in the harsh environment we are all living in. I just hope these walls that are being created without my permission are able to give shelter to them; because I know how warm and cosy it can be inside. Even if today I feel like even I've been kicked out from them. 

A bit tired, and scared, and mostly fragile. 

Maraya