a little rant (please filtrate)

 Let's stop pretending we are good at this. We were not good together, and we were not good long distance; what fucking makes you think we are going to be good at breaking up?

I keep getting caught in the loop of thinking that I was not enough for you, that even I kept giving you my all, you never wanted it, that I should have behaved differently, I should have said other stuff, I should have been funnier, nicer, completely independent, that I should have been confident and never doubt, that I should not have brought up stuff, that I should have been there even when you pushed me away, that I was never enough. But from a purealy factual way of looking at it, you were the one that were not enough. 

You were the one that gave me crumbs and told me to not feel hunger, you were the one that got pissed when I demanded more. I feel like the moment I let go of the insecurities was the moment you took to let me go. And it feels like if the thing keeping us together was me not letting myself believe it was alright. 

As soon as I believed it, it became fake. 

Let's stop pretending I can go with you, and them, to dinner, and be okay, because I do not think that will be ever true. Let's stop pretending I am ever going to be okay with being your afterthought, when I still hold you on my priorities. 

I want to stop pretending that I can be good at this and start calling this for what they are. This is fucking horse shit and I am a fucking mess. And I do not need to be anything else and I am not going to let anyone ask from me anything else than this. 

So listen up everyone: I am tired of making up excuses for your shitty behaviour, I am tired of trying to be there to not make you all feel shitty. I am not going to keep you in my live unless you live up to fucking it. 

I have been written a ton of love poems, I have been given the most magical hugs, I have been validated for people that just know me for a bit. I have been taken care of by strangers, I have been told that I am more than you have ever made me feel, and I have been given the very best spot in other people's priority lists. 

I do not hold against you not being able to be my friend. But if you can't, then stop pretending the problem is my high standards.

Maraya