A pre-love letter to my friends and a reminder to myself + of course me talking about the weather

 I know I always end up talking about the weather, but I guess I wouldn't be me if that wasn't a topic again in this new setting. 

I have been craving for endless days of sun for months and now I am pissed at myself for wanting them so soon. The shade that hides me now from the impossible heat is so scarce and temporary that makes me question if it was worth it, to leave behind a place where my heart was beating calmly and the sunny days were worth mentioning even in the news. Everyone stopped to be marveled by the astonishing beauty of a sunny day; and here, they are taken so for granted that when I try to stop I see myself dragged around by an endless sea of people that do not even notice. 

I find myself reading the same notebook everyday, to make me feel like home. I am also enjoying this not so social me, because the people that I do see are filling me with mostly joy, and I do not feel like explaining to any of the people that used to love who I was how much I miss who I have been there. I don't want their expectations pushed on me, them longing to see a friend that has been lost two years ago, and me wanting to hide and run away from it as much as possible. Me trying to find where do I fit now that I am back, where do I fit everything I have been, where do I fit my confidence without it crumbling in tiny pieces like broken glass. Thin, thin glass. 

I miss my people, and I have been proven to be an idiot from time 0. If I ever feel the anxiety telling me that someone does not like me, I know I have now the "well, their loss" answer, and the proof that I have been completely blind to at least someone that did like me, but for who I was, and not for my people-pleasing. Which has been a precious gift that I didn't even know I needed. 

And I know that there is more than one person, and I see my confidence already rising me so high that I feel strong enough to face those that are close to me, and therefore, should treat me better. And I am ready to not settle for less, and to draw the lines that are goi ng to create the space where I am not drowning, where my "norwegian" self can be here and I can feel again in peace. 

I miss you so so so so much and for now I don't want to get used to miss you, all of you. I feel so lucky to be able to brag about how amazing my friends are, and to feel sorry, a little bit, for those who do not know you. I love you so much.

Trying my best to stay here, 

Maraya